It surprised me how very mournful I still am and I knew that I would be somewhat sad but I didn't expect to feel so anguished days leading to Mother's day. I would become very sentimental and sometimes I would have to force myself not to cry if I had places to go because my eyes get so puffy and well, crying makes me look horrible.
I believe mourning my child will be a lifetime thing, at unexpected times. I've accepted this and although it's heartbreaking, mourning is evidence of my love for him and that Reagan existed.
Riley's class had been practicing mother's day songs for about two months before the mother's day program. There was a song that he thought was funny. When he told me about it I just didn't get what was so funny about it but I just let him talk and laugh.
He was so persistent about me making sure I got to school early so I could get a front row seat. I'm the type of person that gets to places early so that wasn't a problem. I'm glad that I did find a front row seat. When he saw me he became so excited and began waving. Very sweet.
I loved how he made sure to keep constant eye contact with me even when the rest of the kids were looking at their teacher. I guess this is the part of the song that was funny to him. I couldn't help but laugh along with him.
I took video of all the songs they sang. The last song was very tender. The first part of the song
went good ...
... but when they began to sing the last verse Riley became emotional. Naturally that made me cry. I was already feeling broken and when he began to cry it was hard not to cry myself. I had to try my hardest to not cry for long because I didn't want to make him even more sad.
As soon as the song was over he came to me and hugged me and said that he was sad for baby Reagan. In the song they said "I love you" and apparently his baby brother came to mind. It's so crazy how strong a connection he has to Reagan. He constantly talks about him, as do we.
He wasn't the slightest bit embarrassed to have cried in front of his friends. The love for Reagan was so strong that he just couldn't hold back tears.
So heartbreaking isn't it? How unfair life can be? How children shouldn't die or suffer from any form of illness.
I told him that Reagan was/is happy in heaven with Jesus and that in heaven there's no pain and children never feel scared or lonely. I said that baby brother would want us to be happy. I got his mind back on to the moment and he quickly adapted. I love all his crafts. They are such precious mementos of his childhood ... and he was so proud of his art.
His teacher was so thoughtful. They made us mother's so many sweet crafts to take home. I loved that!
Sunday, Mother's Day
Jacob got me a card, perfume and flowers. I love flowers, they always make me smile.
I'm grateful that God partnered me with such a great guy.
I'm so thankful for Sydna, Nathan, and Riley ... my earthbound children. I love their company and the every conversations we have. And heaven is extra special to me.
Looking at my children I sometimes can't believe Sydna and Nathan are so grown. I've always loved the age difference between all three. As Sydna is maturing more each passing day she is becoming sweeter and more accommodating towards her siblings.
Pretty mother's day flowers. Sydna got me the peony bouquet and Jacob the tulips.
It is important to guard and maintain our hearts because as
mothers, our hearts can grow weary. Healthy hearts help
us love our children well: "Above all else, guard
you heart, for everything you do flows from it".
Send me Your light and Your faithful
care, let them lead me; let them bring
me to Your holy mountain, to the
place where You dwell.
-Psalm 43:3
I need this reminder daily.
Definitely because I know that I cannot do life without Him.
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