Reagan & Lincoln

October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Although we think of our angel babies every single day I'm glad there's a specific date to remember all of our angel babies by. It's so shocking to know the statistics to pregnancy and infant loss. 1 in 4 women goes through this devastating experience. I recently met another lady who also lost two babies and one of her babies was almost halfway through the pregnancy. This just breaks my heart. It doesn't matter how early we lose a child, it is still heart wrenching. A loss is a loss.

If anything good can come out of losing two babies is that I am thankful that I was able to have both my babies at home. I was able to see them and although their souls are with Jesus it's still comforting to me to know that they are buried within arms reach. I greet them morning and night and I talk to them when I'm tending the backyard.

Reagan would have been close to turning fifteen months old ... and Lincoln would have been close to six months old. I like to picture both of them being cuddled in Jesus' arms and being loved on with so many kisses and hugs, and hoping Libby is next to them too purring loudly.

In heaven there are two angels who are living in God's

care, two tiny little angels who are very happy there. They

were here but for a moment and I carried them close to 

me. I'll love our little angels through all eternity.

♥ We miss you daily Reagan and Lincoln!!♥

Remembrance Walk

The Remembrance Walk for our lost babies was on October 8,2017. It is held at Gene Coulon Beach Park in Renton. There's a line of deciduous trees heading down the boat launch parking lot. They create such a gorgeous scene!!

It was a chilly morning. After we registered I got a blue and white balloon, got a name tag and just stood there looking around at all the families that have gone down the same path as we have. It's sad that pregnancy and child loss is not spoken of more or recognized as the great loss that it is ... because pregnancy and child loss is more common than you think. 1in 4 women suffer through pregnancy and child loss, that's quite significant. And what's even sadder to me is when the ones closest to you don't speak of the child that one lost or some women think that because the baby was too tiny that it wasn't a significant loss. All lost babies matter! They had a heartbeat ... a soul. I am so thankful that I got to birth and see my two angel babies and they have a special resting place in our backyard.

Reagan died on August 28, 2016  ... Due date was set for March 5, 2017   ... He was 13 weeks gestation.
Lincoln died on May 1st, 2017 .... Due date was set for December 3rd, 2017  ... baby was 9 weeks gestation.

I think of both my babies every. single. day and most of the time they're on my mind all day long. I've got their ultrasound pictures on my nightstand so I can see them when I wake up and when I lay down for the night. I also have their pictures downstairs on my bookshelf because the are part of our family and they should be remembered by all of us, daily. Just writing this is making me cry.
oh boy

There are a few kid activity stations. The glitter tattoos are very popular plus, there's also donuts and coffee.

The walk is about half a mile. This is our second time doing this. There was quite a crowd. Although the reason behind this event is a devastating one I am thankful that there is such an event that we can be part of to honor our angel babies.

At the end of the walk each mom receives a carnation for each lost baby then the director of the event will read a poem and after she's done we throw our carnations in the water and that concludes the event.

Grief doesn't have a time limit. Even after grieving for a year,

two, or five doesn't mean I'm not strong in my faith. Knowing the 

Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache, instead it

supports you in the middle of it. Until I get to heaven, 

there's going to be an ache that wont quit.

We think of you both always!

We love you babies.

Wave of Light 2016

On October 15th we lit our very first Wave of Light candle for our sweet pea Reagan. I bought this candle specifically and specially for Reagan's special days and holidays.

This day also would have marked twenty weeks into my pregnancy, the half way mark. It was sad. I shed some loving tears for my sweetheart.
But it felt good to have taken part in this event so we can honor my baby boy's memory and that family and friends can also take part in no matter where they live.

I am sending a dove to heaven, with a parcel on its wings. Be careful 

when you open it, its full of beautiful things. Inside are a million kisses, 

wrapped up in a million hugs. To say how much I miss you, and to send you 

all my love. I hold you close within my heart and there you will remain. To 

walk with me throughout my life, until we meet again.

-unknown

We love you Reagan!

In Honor of baby Reagan

October 9th, 16 we took part in Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Walk held at Gene Coulon Park in Renton, WA ... to honor all babies gone too soon.
The park had the most gorgeous trees. They look pretty in the picture but they looked even more beautiful in person, so bright!

It was just me, Jacob, and Riley. I was bummed that Sydna and Nathan didn't take part in it. They don't really talk about Reagan. Maybe they don't realize the big impact, big hurt that me and Jacob are in. One day, whenever that may be, they will realize how very much Reagan is a part of our family and of our lives.
Anyway, we were one of the first ones to arrive. The day was a bit chilly and thankfully it had stopped raining.

After writing our names on tags, Riley got a blue balloon for baby brother.

While we waited for more people to arrive the kids got to stay busy by getting temporary tattoos and working on crafts. Riley's been into spiderman for a couple of months so he chose a spiderman tattoo.

He was very excited.

He made sure to make Reagan's flower very glittery and sparkly.

Once it appeared that most people had arrived our walk of remembrance began. It was about half a mile long. There was such a huge turnout which is kinda good but sad. 1 in 4 women will experience miscarriage. Not really sure what the facts are about stillborn children or infant death but it is truly a very sad gathering but thankful that there's an even held once a year in honor of these precious babies.

As I observed these parents you could tell which ones had lost babies some time ago and which parents lost babies recently. The momma's like me that avoided eye contact and had red eyes were the ones that had recently lost their babies. I also saw momma's pregnant with their rainbow baby. That was bittersweet to see.

It was a peaceful pretty walk.

Once we all completed our walk each mom was given a white carnation then we walked down to the water.

The event director read a poem and after, some families threw their carnation in the water. I didn't. I kept mine and decided to place it on Reagan's grave.

there are absolutely no words of comfort that

will ever make the pain go away, to heal the hole

that has been left in my heart.

We will love you today and forever sweetheart!

Autumn's Simple Pleasures

There are a lot of frogs here ... and they're loud too especially during the summer months. A couple of weeks ago while Jacob mowed the front lawn he spotted a small frog near one of the pine trees. He called Riley over and placed the frog on Riley's arm. This frog was very tame, it hardly moved. Riley wasn't sure what to do. I could see he was a little anxious because he had that nervous laugh but he also wasn't scared.

If Riley would have stood still I'm sure the frog would have stayed on his arm longer than three minutes. Once it jumped off Riley wanted to get it again. I told him to leave the poor little frog alone, they're not meant to be handled for long.

The month of October was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. I ordered three pink & blue ribbons for us and we wore the pin the entire month. I think most people are oblivious about it's meaning. I think that because they see some pink on it they assume it's for breast cancer awareness {which by the way October is also Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and so is Domestic Violence and several others} which in this case is not accurate. One of Jacob's supervisors did ask him what the ribbon meant and Jacob told him.

Sometimes, after school I take Riley to the library. Now that he's in school we don't visit the library as often so it had been a while. The library's parking lot is full of deciduous trees, I love it!

And after the library I just had to go shopping for some Autumn pretties. You know I have a thing for pretty dish towels, hand towels, placemats, table cloths, and home decor. Every year and for each season I tend to buy dish towels. Sometimes I avoid using my pretties dish towels because I don't want them to get stained. Some still look good but others do get soiled and not even after a wash does the stain come off. That's a bummer but it doesn't damper my mood for long because I know that I can always buy new pretty ones. Aren't you glad for simple pleasures? I am!

Got Riley this dinosaur clay fossil. It came with this knife looking tool. I'm so glad I placed it on top of a cookie sheet because that pinkish stuff was very messy. It was taking him a while to get to the fossil so he asked for help. I gotta admit, that darn thing took some elbow grease to finally see the darn dinosaur fossil, lol. But I finally broke apart enough of that pinkish clay which made it a little easier for Riley to finish the job.

Now that I'm home alone about six and a half hours three days a week I get to enjoy a lot of quiet therapeutic time. It's bittersweet ... I would have rather wanted to be anticipating my baby's arrival but that wasn't part of His plan for my life so now I'm home using this quiet time for self-nurture and to seek contentment instead. When I'm not spending time reading or blogging I tend to do a bit of coloring. I'm almost halfway done with this inspirational coloring book. I need to look for more.

I bet not a lot of people tend to notice the beauty of nature around them on a daily basis. How sad is that? Sad for those people that are too busy with what they have to do next that they forget to live in the moment. I see it in some mother's that walk their kids to school. The flustered look on their faces which makes them look crass. I feel sorry for them because life doesn't have to be that way no matter what we're dealing with. Most days contentment comes naturally to me but on those days when I feel a heaviness or I'm feeling overwhelmed, that's when I make an effort to "SEEK", to go after, contentment. I remind myself to look at my surroundings and try to find something beautiful among the mundane. If you want good things to happen it takes work just like anything else in life ... like marriage, friendships, responsibilities, etc., same goes with how we feel or want to feel.
As much as I don't ever want to forget the rawness feeling of losing our son I know I can't stay in that mindset for too long because I know it's not healthy for me emotionally. I know what it's like to be in the pits of depression and anxiety and I don't ever want to feel like that again. Although I allow myself to grieve I really try not to linger there for too long.

And even in my sadness I tend to notice what's around me, the weather. Some people may think that weather talk makes for dull conversation, I don't think that's true especially if you're someone who appreciates the weather and nature. Those two go hand in hand.
I love to notice how the day presents itself, like this particular morning. Once me and Riley began walking to school we noticed how pretty the field looked covered in fog, how pretty the trees looked like if they were behind frosty glass. Even Riley said, "wow, look at the fog!" with great excitement. I must say though that I am able to only stand foggy weather for no more than three days straight because then it begins to mess with my vision, it's the most weird thing.

I believe I made three trips to the library during this time. The book that I was looking for was checked out so I had to reserve a copy which I happened to get notified a couple of days after my initial visit.

My child definitely has the coolest backpack. My sister got it for him over a year ago just because he's always been a Ninja Turtle fan and it definitely came in handy once it was time to start school. I actually wanted to buy him a new one because I didn't want this backpack to get worn out since its super cool but he insisted on taking it.

And this was my 3rd trip to the library, lol. Silly me. Well, what can I say, now that I'm home alone I can go out and about without hindrance. I sometimes also treat myself to lunch. Eating out alone feels so good especially with a book in hand. Swear, I could be at the restaurant for over an hour when I read and eat.

Ok so there are no haircut places for kids near our home so we usually take Riley to those hair salons where new stylists are constantly being replaced which usually means that they lack talent, they just don't know how to give a good fade so Jacob decided to take the boys to the barber shop where he gets his haircut. The only drawback is that this place tends to get packed so one needs to be there before they open and wait.
Glad to say that this guy knows how to fade but unfortunately he had to cut Riley's hair very short to fix what the other hairstylist had done. At least it'll grow back in a few weeks. Riley loved his short hair though. He wants to look just like daddy. Next time it wont be cut very short.

Sometimes, when I feel the need to be near water I take a short drive to Redondo beach to take in this pretty view. I was out here for an hour ... just me by myself and it felt so good too. I had my talk with Him and called it a day. Thank goodness for sunglasses.

The secret to being happy is accepting where you

are in life and making the most out of every day.

-unknown