Lincoln

 December 3rd (2020), Lincoln would have turned three years old.

Did you know roughly 1 in 4 pregnancies end up in miscarriage?

The instant loss of our baby's imagined future still passes through my mind. Would Lincoln have looked like me or more like his father? There's still sadness of "what could have been". Occasionally I talk to God about my two babies in heaven. I ask Him questions that I hope I get the answers to one day.

"You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around

the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same".

-unknown

Nathan Turns 20

September 2020

Nathan, my middle child. He's responsible, kind, and a hard-working young man. He's always had a quiet demeanor maybe that's why he was easy-going and respectful when he was a child. He was very obedient and enjoyed playing with his toys/cards and liked to read.

Now that he's a young adult he spends most of his day at work and at the gym.

It baffles me on how much Sydna and Nathan have changed from when they were kids. Also, they've been told that they look like they could be twins. I can see that. I can also see myself in both of them especially in Nathan. 

Nathan has favored the chocolate chip cookie cake for years now instead of a regular cake for his birthday. 

This picture makes me happy. I love them all so much. (Missing my two angel babies. The 'What could have been' thoughts surface every now and then still. I hope they never stop.)

Such a sweet moment. I love it! They are ten years apart and they look so different from one another. Riley looks up to his big brother though. He wanted to get Nathan one of his favorite candy, M & M's. He bought it with his own money. What an endearing gesture. 

Nathan, in a single moment in time, you can make a decision that affects your entire life. So, live your life wisely. 

When you don't know what to do, when you don't know the answer, you need to pray. Go to God in prayer and ask Him to help you make the right decision.

You are capable of more than you know. You are the right one to handle

your life. And, you are never alone in your journey.

We love you!

Jacob's Birthday

 April 2020

Unfortunately, I didn't get many pictures on Jacob's birthday.

Upon his request we enjoyed delicious bbq. 

Sydna and Riley baked their dad a cake. How sweet of them. 

I'm thankful to God for blessing Jacob with another year of life. Grateful for good health, for a good job, and for our family. I pray God will continue to bless Jacob and to continue to give him wisdom in life and how to best lead our family. We love you.

Contentment is not the fulfillment of what

you want, but the realization of how much you already have. 

Sydna's 23rd Birthday

 March 2020

Sydna. My first born. She was so cute when she was a little child. I remember her sitting in her little rocking chair my brother gave her in front of her bedroom bookshelves "reading" a book. She used to have short hair, just above her shoulders and her hair would curl just at the ends, it looked very cute.

Still, to this day she enjoys reading. It makes me happy she has a love for books.

Given I was 21 years old when I had her, young and inexperienced as a new mother, now looking back I wish I could have slowed down and really cherished her more while she was little. If it wasn't for all the pictures I took of her and our life back then I wouldn't remember all the cute and funny things she used to do. I am glad I have all those pictures though. 

With her brothers, Nathan and Riley. I love my kids.

I will be next to you in times of sorrow.

I will watch over you when you are weak. I will 

guide you when the future looks bleak. I will be there

for you whenever you need me. I will always love you. 

Riley Turns 9

 December 7th, 2019

Every birthday my parents will call the birthday person and sing Happy Birthday in it's entirety. So, Riley was just listening to them sing. Funny. This is definitely a sweet memory to have of them.

He wanted to spend the day at Family Fun Center. His older siblings came along too. 

After he had his fill of arcade games we walked over to the bowling alley. He's got the moves down and everything .... looking like a pro.

Cute!

But as usual, Jacob ends up winning 98% of the time. He's so competitive. He didn't even let the birthday boy take the lead.

Riley also wanted to go to Red Robin for dinner. Once home we sang Happy Birthday and had some yummy Baskin Robins ice cream cake. 

My parents birthday card to Riley arrived two days late. I also took video and it was so funny seeing him freak out when he saw all the dollar bills my parents gave him. My parents do spoil our kids on their birthday. They give them more money than they give me. Lol. I think it's funny. I really wish they wouldn't spend so much money on us and I've told them many times too but they say that they are glad to do it. They say that there's nothing they need might as well spend money on their grandchildren. Well, if spoiling them makes my parents happy as well then so be it.

                Thanked God for blessing Riley with another year of life. We're thankful and grateful.

My Birthday - Northern Oregon Coast Road Trip - Day 2

We woke up to a low 50 degree morning on the coast. 

I sometimes wake up very early when we go on road trips. I don't really like it because I'd rather sleep in but it works out well, it gives us a chance to head out the door at a good hour and get our day started and continue on sightseeing.

After breakfast we drove on these back country roads. We enjoy driving past green pastures and watch the cows eat. 

We eventually made our way back to the coast.

This was our first time visiting Cape Meares Lighthouse. 

Very pretty views.

Not many people were around which makes sightseeing that more enjoyable. This is one of the reasons why we prefer to visit the coast during Fall and Winter. Plus, the storms are awesome!

After the lighthouse we stopped by Tillamook library for a while. We then grabbed lunch in downtown Tillamook. I had their house salad which they added artichoke to it and I thought it was heavenly. I had never had artichoke in my salad before. 

After walking and visiting a few vintage shops we drove to Tillamook Cheese Factory for the obligatory ice cream scoop. I got Marionberry Pie. It was good but rich.

We continued driving North until we reached Cannon Beach. Always a must stop no matter how many times you've been here in the past. 

Low tide. Always fascinating to explore.

We stayed the night in Seaside. 

The following day we visited the Columbia River Maritime Museum in Astoria.

Went inside this old ship. I cannot even imagine having to live in a ship out at sea in such tight quarters and not to mention all the motion going on. I would definitely be stressed half the time. 

Afterwards we had lunch and headed back home to Washington.

It was a nice quick getaway. I'm glad the Oregon Coast isn't that far and we are able to visit several times in a year. The Pacific Ocean is gorgeous and it holds a very special place in my heart.

Nathan

 2019

Nathan's 19! 

Nathan has a serene disposition. You rarely see him mad and has great self-control. On the same token though, sometimes he's hard to read. I like that he'll come to me with his frustrations or when something is bothering him. He's respectful even when we may not see eye to eye. 

He's also a hard worker and very responsible. This kid knows how to save his money! He began working when he turned 16. Now, he's been working full-time for a couple of years, he does part-time online college, goes to the gym five days a week and still manages to find time to spend with his girlfriend of two years. 

He sometimes hangs out with his friends but I'm thankful that he's not out partying though. The gym is too important to him. He knows that if he goofs off it'll just take longer for him to get to his ideal body shape. I'm happy that he has a goal in mind. Having something positive to look forward to is so important.

I remember when he was so short. I would often pray that he would get tall once he hit puberty, and boy did he. He's taller than me and I say he's taller than Jacob by like an inch but Jacob disputes it, lol. 

Cookie cake is a big hit in our home. It's one of Nathan's favorite dessert, and Riley's and definitely mine especially if it has lots of frosting/buttercream. Jacob doesn't care for the frosting but he does like the cookie part.

I love my three children. Each one is so different from the other especially Riley. Riley looks and behaves so differently than his siblings. Just looking at this picture is bringing back funny happy memories which I can't help but laugh. 

Since Nathan is home pretty much every night and I can hear him talking or playing his games, I will definitely notice the difference when the time comes for him to move out. Not sure when that will be but I will definitely miss him not being around.

Intentionally spending time as a family is extremely important.

How a family interacts will have great influence on 

the development of a child's personality.

Sydna

2019


Out eating Mexican food for Sydna's twenty second birthday.
Just looking at this picture I can see even more change now in each of them, except for Riley. The one that keeps changing the most is Nathan.

Moctezuma has the best margaritas and chips and salsa!

We all love chocolate cake. Who doesn't!

I'm grateful to God for blessing Sydna with another year of life.

The one thing I want for my kids is to put God at the center of their lives.

Reagan's 2nd Birthday

March 5, 2019

Several days before one of my angel babies birthdays or death anniversaries is coming my heart feels heavy, which I'm sure is normal for a bereaved parent.

I believe this flower is called Canterbury Bells White Campanula. So neat looking. I got it for Reagan.

My sister Claudia has always remembered the babies birthdays. She sent me this beautiful bouquet in remembrance of Reagan. My parents called me to tell me they were commemorating Reagan too. It makes me happy that Reagan is acknowledged.

I got a key lime pie (my favorite pie), added two little candles and we sang happy birthday.

Riley still gets emotional. He came along the few obgyn appointments I had and saw and heard Reagan's heartbeat. He was so excited for baby Reagan and was looking forward to having a baby brother to play with and look after.

Sadness, longing, loss, and the what could have been will always remain in me for the rest of my life. I don't feel these emotions on a daily basis though. As much as I love my babies I don't want to wallow in despair. That type of thinking is not healthy, mentally or emotionally. God has blessed me abundantly and continues to do so and I want to make sure to live a life of gratitude no matter the trials that I have endured.
However, I write these posts because it's important I remember Reagan and Lincoln. Doing this is healing. Each day that passes is a day closer to seeing them both. What a wonderful day that will be.

When you lose a child you are haunted with a lifetime of wonder.