I cannot endure to waste anything as precious as Autumn sunshine by staying in the house. So I spend almost all the daylight hours in the open air. - Nathaniel Hawthorne
Autumn ... you make me smile and comfort my soul. I'm so thankful God created such a gorgeous season!
So one day we had gone to run some errands and when we got back I saw Sophie sitting on the table like she was suppose to be there. She didn't even flinch or scatter. She just stayed there and it wasn't until I clapped my hands and raised my voice at her that she finally ran off. Gosh! I don't know why she thought she could just lay on the darn place mat. Gross. I had to put on clean place mats.
Riley's teacher doesn't give them homework however, if Riley doesn't finish his work at school he brings it home so he can finish it. He doesn't like that AT ALL! Lol! Like in this case. He just had to color a few things and was pouting about it. My mom felt bad for him {you know how grandma's are, they baby their grandkids which somewhat bothers me because it's totally unnecessary} and stood by him to guide him. She didn't need to do that. His work was super easy and he easily understood what needed to be done. The look on his face though. He looks all distraught, lol. So overly dramatic ... and I thought girls were full of drama, not really the case.
Jacob's current work hours are not ideal and he has to work every third Saturday but when that happens he gets to have the following Wednesday off so it's not ENTIRELY bad. I just hate the hours he works the worst, 10:00 am - 6:30 pm., these hours suck BIG time!!!
Anyway, we took my mom out to Tacoma's Ruston Way one day. It was a gorgeous crisp partly cloudy Autumn day. I love this part of Tacoma, it's so serene and picturesque.
We also went back to the Point Defiance Rose Garden. The dahlia's still looked beautiful. My mom quite enjoyed herself.
Jacob likes to bask in the sunshine any chance he gets. All I can handle is about fifteen minutes out in it then I go looking for shade, lol. These Autumn and Winter seasons can surely deprive someone from getting the required vitamin D dosage in the PNW. Good thing I already began taking vitamin D supplements since September. Being low in vitamin D can also trigger depression so I'm making sure I keep myself healthy.
Seriously, the second main reason I love living here is the Puget Sound and seeing all the small islands all around it. It is truly gorgeous.
We also attended one of Nathan's school football games. He's in JV football and they play on Mondays. Varsity plays on Fridays but the JV football team has to stand on the sidelines the entire game observing. Kinda crappy in a way, just standing there in the cold and only having to watch but oh well, it is what it is.
It was fun to watch.
Riley cracks me up. He's always wanting to sit on our laps. Is my five year old the only that does this or do other five year olds do this as well.
We also went to Snoqualmie Falls. It hadn't rained much prior to our visit so the waterfall didn't look as majestic like how it looks right now. But it still neat to see.
Grief is such an interesting thing. Sometimes you feel close to your normal self, you begin to enjoy yourself again then the next minute and out of nowhere BAM! you feel the deep sadness and tears begin to flow and along with those tears I can't help but think of things, of what could have been, getting upset with God, mourning our life without our child, of not seeing Riley interact with his baby brother and to see how much Riley would have LOVE to love on him. It's all so sad.
I've read several books on miscarriage by Christian authors and they leave me feeling less comforted because those women are WAY more in-tune spiritually than I am. Maybe it has to do with everything being so recent still, where I can't see the good in my suffering. Maybe with time I'll begin to see things this way. Maybe as I mature in my faith this kind of thinking will flourish but right now I still think that losing our baby was cruel.
But one thing both Jacob and I don't want to ever go away is the deep rawness of our loss. That's the only thing we have left of Reagan, the physical emotional pain. I hope that when that deep sadness comes that I'm able to feel the rawness of it each time. I'm also so very thankful for having actual pictures of Reagan. We don't look at them often but the few times that we have it has been good for both our souls. He was perfect!
Sydna slept with Riley a couple of nights while my mom was here and it really doesn't matter that she bunked in with him because Riley will always and I mean always end up in our bed every.single.night. These night terrors are mind-boggling. I don't understand where they're coming from or why. Sometimes he'll wake up crying around midnight other times he'll just quietly make his way to our bed. He has a dim small lamp and the lights are on in the hallway. I'm at a loss with this.
Whenever I'm out most of the times I see something that will make me think of Reagan {which is silly because he is always on my mind}. Like during this mall visit. I was browsing the home section and this print completely stood out to me. Of course it made me cry. That's what I see when I look at Reagan's picture.
I hope my mom felt better after spending some time with me {us}. Wish we didn't live that far. Losing our baby has also affected my parents and sister to great lengths. My mom wont show it because she wants to remain strong for me but my sister has told me that my mom has cried many times for Reagan and my sister got Reagan's name tattooed on her arm. Baby Reagan is always on our minds. I'm so happy that loved ones continue to remember him.
I'm sure my mom was sad to leave after two weeks but life goes on.
Nathan's such a cool sweet guy. I love him so much!
And this girl is quite strong emotionally. I hope we become even closer as life goes on. I just don't care much for some of the music she's currently into. Ew! I always give her a hard time about it. All in good fun though.
And this little guy. He's my joy and the cause of my gray hairs. He's currently having some health issues which I hope and pray he gets a clean bill of health soon.
Always sad to say goodbye. Hope she'll visit in a few months.
Once it was just us two this girl resumed her position right next to me on the couch. She looks comfortable. She is a very sweet cat. I think God timed things right with us finding each other. I'm glad I have her especially during this time since my girl Libby is gone and baby Reagan. She's been a comforting companion.
You cannot protect yourself from sadness
without protecting yourself from happiness.
Jonathan Safran Foer
