In Remembrance of Reagan

November 26,16 was our baby boy's 3rd month death anniversary.  Always keeping vigil on his special days and on our own family special days ... always making sure he's included.

Although I open myself up some on social media about certain aspects of my life I still find it difficult to completely share of myself to others. Of course there will be some memories/things I'm going to keep private but I don't like to throw myself out there too much either. I follow a few other women on Instagram that have lost their babies and they are so ready to share their most private thoughts. I just can't do that. If I'm going to talk in lengths about a personal issue I like coming here, to my blog. It is this blog that my children will come back to throughout the years for memories sake so it only makes sense to remain honest about the happenings in our life on here.

These last couple of months left in the year continue to be challenging for me. Nothing that this year has brought me has been easy. This year I can honestly say that the bad have outweighed the good. Yes, I'm thankful for our health and everything else in my life but the few events that have happened to me {us} this year have been so traumatic that they've shattered our hopes about adding a new little person to our family.

I don't believe that as a grieving parent I'll ever be whole again. And what makes it even more of an impossibility is that I see so much of Reagan in Riley. As much as I love that so much it also breaks my heart all over again. And I believe Riley and Reagan have a strong bond with one another. Riley has been missing baby brother a lot lately. He's cried for him and often tells me that he misses baby Reagan. It is somewhat unfathomable really ... about how quickly Riley bonded with Reagan with only from a few weeks. But that's love. They're brothers and will have a forever connection.

Baby Reagan. You are so loved and thought of every single day. Although we cry for you often we are beginning to think of you with smiles instead of tears sometimes. I am now able to talk about you without having to stop from talking because of how painful it is to do so at times. But when I'm alone and at night in bed is when sadness really hits me hard and I cry for you. The pain from losing you feels like actual physical pain. I allow myself to cry for however long I need to. I always make sure to begin my day with a "good morning sweetheart" to you and I always end my day with telling you "I love you sweetheart, goodnight". We love you so much Reagan!

Tears cleanse the soul, and

grief validates the love you felt.