We were gonna have a baby
but we had an angel instead
Our story. My testimony {in some detail}.
During our road trip there were several times when I felt menstrual like cramps. It baffled me because I had just gotten off my period so I knew I wasn't about to get it again. There were times too where I felt a little nauseous but nothing too significant. I thought I was just coming down with whatever germ Riley got sick from on our trip. I felt more tired than usual and was peeing often. I guess both Jacob and I suspected we might be pregnant. Jacob even told me that I should take a pregnancy test but I said no. I thought, I'll take one as soon as we get back home. So that was that.
After our road trip and several days after being home my lower abdomen began to feel somewhat achy. I told Jacob I may be pregnant. The next day, June 28,16, I went to buy a pregnancy test and two pink lines appeared ... although the second one was very faint. Seeing those two pink lines made me smile. I felt so blessed.
Almost immediately after receiving the wonderful news that I was pregnant I began to have pregnancy symptoms. I had broken sleep, couldn't go back to sleep, the not so pleasant and uncomfortable symptoms, tiredness, tender breasts, always hungry, that awful metal taste in my mouth, excessive saliva, some nausea but I never threw up. That was weird because in all my three pregnancies I had severe morning sickness. However, I was thankful about not throwing up. I was still able to eat {almost} anything. The one thing that I couldn't stand was the smell of teriyaki food. I craved spicy foods like I did when I was pregnant with Nathan and milk, lots of cold fresh milk.
I continued with mild cramping and some spotting every now and then. Of course this concerned me. Jacob and I would constantly google stuff and would read that cramping and light bleeding was normal in the first trimester. I was hoping that was the case with me.
Then on Sunday, July 10, 16, I was laying on the couch and when I got up I felt a heavy flow of blood gushing out. I sped walked to my restroom upstairs and yelling to Jacob "I think I just lost the baby". It looked like a lot of blood to me. We cried together as I sat on the toilet. I cleaned myself up and we headed straight to the emergency room.
After checking my vitals, got blood drawn, had an ultrasound done and after waiting for about an hour the emergency room doctor comes into my room and tells me, "well, congratulations we saw a heartbeat". Jacob and I looked at each other in disbelief and shock and we both cried all over again. We could not believe that my baby was still alive. I thanked God. We were both so happy. Jacob hugged and kissed me. Doctor told me that what I had experienced was a subchorionic hematoma {is the pooling of blood between the placenta and the uterus.}
That was such a scary experience. We left the hospital feeling happy but being very cautious. We didn't know whether to tell anyone about it yet. We finally decided to keep the pregnancy to ourselves. We even waited to tell the kids until I was about 8 weeks along.
Sydna and Nathan were like "oh" and probably thinking -oh no, not another Riley. Riley on the other hand was SUPER excited to be a "big" brother. He was smiling from ear to ear and he would constantly hug me and touch my belly. He would even tell me, "your belly's getting big" and "I love the baby".
Things seemed to be going good. I would spend most of my days laying on the couch, not doing much. It was summer and although we had a mild summer I was constantly hot because of the elevated hormones that comes with being pregnant.
On Sunday, July 31,16, I woke up at 1:00 am and peed. When I wiped there was a smudge of blood on the toilet paper. Not again. I also had some mild cramping and lower back pain. The spotting and cramping stopped and again everything seemed to be ok.
I was so excited to hit the 10 week mark because now baby was a fetus! I had an ob appt on August 9,16, saw baby moving around and heard its heartbeat. All the times we got to see the baby and hear its heartbeat we were in awe. God's greatest creation is so wonderful. We felt such joy.
This is the one ultrasound picture that I will post. Look how cute baby looks. It's little head pointing down and the little arms/fists right next to its head. Aw!
Jacob and I finally decided to share our happy news with our closest loved ones. My mom and sister Claudia were overjoyed. I did tell them however, that the doctors had told me that I was at risk for miscarriage so my mom immediately began a prayer chain. Jacob told his parents and they too began praying for us. I told my two closest friends and they too were happy for us. I still decided to wait on telling the rest of our friends and family until I was in the middle of my second trimester. So I couldn't wait.
Given that this pregnancy had me feeling so tired I really didn't feel like doing much but sometimes I would make an effort and force myself to get ready and sometimes I would leave the house. I tried to enjoy myself and take in some pretty scenery. I was getting big fast. I always made big bellies fast, that's nothing new. I had posted this picture on Instagram but I was worried that people would suspect I was pregnant and I wasn't quite ready to share our news on social media. I remember even asking my sister if you could tell that I was pregnant. She said no so I posted it.
On August 21,16, I woke up at 3:00 am and used the restroom and there was blood once again and cramping all morning long. Went to urgent care around 9:00 am. Jacob was set to fly to Tucson later on in the day for a meeting so I wanted to make sure that baby was ok before he left. They didn't have the necessary equipment there to check me so I was wheeled over to the emergency room. I was feeling scared, frustrated and tired. I just wanted my pregnancy to normalize itself so I could begin to really enjoy it. They again took my vitals, drew blood and I had another ultrasound. We saw the baby. Heartbeat sounded great, strong and it was moving all over. I couldn't help but smile.
I had a follow up appt a few days later on Thursday, August 25,16. Saw the baby again and everything was fine. We saw baby move, heartbeat was strong. By this time I was nearing the 13 week mark where the risk of miscarriage lessens. I was feeling hopeful. I was confident that baby would make it. That I was going to have a strong and healthy baby and that pretty soon I would get to share my news on social media.
The following day was our 20th year anniversary. Jacob got off early and we spent an evening out in Seattle. Sydna watched Riley. We really had a nice evening out. We were happy and baby would always be a point of conversation.
The following day Monday, August 29,16, I went in to get our screening ultrasound done. This was going to determine if baby was growing as it should be. I laid down on the bed and as soon as the tech put that wand thingy on my belly we immediately noticed that baby's heartbeat wasn't visible. Baby was laying still. Jacob immediately broke down and told me he was sorry. I couldn't believe it. I was in shock. It took me a couple of minutes for it to sink in then I cried. The tech did say that by the baby's measurements that baby stopped growing at 12 weeks 6 days and that he was sorry. He printed out two ultrasound pictures for us to keep and turned off the monitor and that was that. He stepped out so we could have some time alone and we both held each other and cried.
At 12 weeks and 6 days that would be August 26,16, our anniversary date. How devastating! Now that date will forever be extremely bittersweet for us however in a way I'm glad it happened on such a special day because we love our baby so so much!
We were in disbelief the drive home. We got even more sad because of Riley. He was just so excited to be a big brother. We got home and all three kids were in the living room. I told them that we lost the baby and I began to cry. Sydna and Nathan immediately came to my side and hugged me. Sydna cried with me. Riley didn't know or couldn't understand what was happening so Jacob had to tell him and he immediately began to cry and hugged Jacob. It was heartbreaking to see. We were heartbroken and we still are.
It wasn't until several hours later that I texted my sister and told her. I had her tell my parents and my closest friends and told her that I couldn't talk and that when I was ready I would call them. Jacob messaged his parents as well. We just didn't have the strength to tell them verbally. It was too painful.
I cried in waves. Mostly I feel robbed, saddened that our baby didn't get to have a healthy beginning. How can a human life show so much promise and then have it be gone several hours later? We had just seen our baby on August 25 and we were told baby's heartbeat stopped beating a day later. I'm still not able to grasp that.
On August 31,16, two days after finding out our baby was gone I had an ob appt. Doctor wanted to know my plans on what I wanted to do next. There was no way in the world that I would have chosen to get a D & C done. I told him that I wanted to have the baby pass naturally at home. I told him that we wanted to bury our baby. He said that was fine but that if nothing happened that he wanted me to see him again in one week.
Jacob was given all the time we needed so he could be with me {so thankful he has such a great job}. I had some cramping and very light spotting. Jacob returned the maternity clothes that I had bought, they still had the tags. And he also return two boxes of newborn diapers that he had bought. That was so sad to see. Even after a week my body was still showing all the pregnancy signs.
On September 7,2016, I had the ob appt. I woke up with some bleeding but I knew that my body needed some help to pass baby. Doctor gave me some medication to help speed things along. I was planning on taking the medication very early on the following day. I spent the rest of the day in my bedroom. I began getting contractions, by the evening they were getting pretty intense. It was getting late. Jacob came to bed and fell asleep. Riley was asleep for the night too. I remember telling God to at least let me have the opportunity to have my baby at home. I did not want to have a D & C and was afraid that not even the medication would help. The contractions got worse, my body felt different. It was now 11:38 pm when I just felt something. I got up from bed and immediately felt blood coming out. I made it to the restroom just in time before blood was everywhere and that's when I saw baby. I was shaking uncontrollably, crying. I called Jacob's name about five times until he finally woke up. He rushed over and we cried together. It was such a traumatic experience but I am thankful that at least God granted me this opportunity to have my baby at home naturally, whole. We saw that it was a boy. He was complete, fully formed, just needed to grow. His tiny mouth was opened and I closed it. That's what stands out to me even now. He was perfect. His little shoulders and fingers are also ingrained in my mind. For Jacob it was his tiny ears and fingers. So so thankful I got the chance to hold my tiny baby for a while. To just stare at him and take him all in. I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't forget the way he looked. I couldn't see clearly due to all the crying. I texted Sydna and told her it happened. She immediately came over, said she was sorry and we hugged for a long time, crying.
I texted my sister and told her and had her call my mom.
Jacob had purchased a tiny coffin and we followed the proper procedure on how to care for baby. After a while I finally came out of the restroom and laid down. I was waking up every couple of hours because I just kept on bleeding and getting clots. By morning I told Jacob that I needed to go to the emergency room. I just knew that I had to get a D & C done but now I didn't care because baby was out and I didn't have to worry about that. Baby was safe at home.
Whenever I would stand up I would get a gush of blood. It was pretty awful. They did an ultrasound and it confirmed that I had most of the placenta still attached. Before I got wheeled over to the operating floor the operating doctor came over to me and was very compassionate, told me he was sorry for my loss and explained what he was gonna do. Jacob and I kissed goodbye and I was taken to the operating room. There were 8 medical personnel total. Wow, lots of people I thought. This would make it my third surgery but the reason for it was definitely the most traumatic. Last thing I remember was one of them telling me to take deep breaths and that was it. The procedure itself isn't a long one. I woke up about an hour later to feeling some mechanical booties on my feet to prevent clotting. My body didn't hurt but my throat felt very raw.
The personnel on the recovery floor were extremely nice and compassionate. I felt very cared for. About half an hour later the doctor that performed the procedure said that there was a lot of tissue but that now I should be having a normal period. No more clots. I was very thankful to God and for this doctor for having been gentle with me and for everything going well.
They gave me the ok to go home about an hour and a half later.
I got home by mid afternoon. My body felt good. Bleeding was normal but my soul was crushed. I felt numb then I would cry. That's how I was for the first week after.
A few days later I received a beautiful bouquet from my sister Claudia. She's so thoughtful. That's one of the things I admire about her.
The last thing Jacob and I wanted to do is talk to anyone. We didn't have the strength to do so. That's why the few times we communicated after it happened was through messaging on fb or text only. We needed this time to just be for us. To be able to mourn during these early days without having to answer to anyone.
A few days after I had baby we buried him. It was so very sad all over again. It felt so unnatural ... because life shouldn't be this way. We are not suppose to bury our children. It should be the other way around.
Of the three kids Riley has had it the roughest. He cries often and tells us he misses baby. We told him that baby was a boy and that he is still a big brother and he forever will be. I think he continues to be proud of being a big brother still. That gives him some comfort.
We named baby before he was buried. We named him Reagan River. Jacob and I had always liked Reagan. Yes, because of Ronald Reagan, one of the greatest presidents this nation has ever had {besides Abraham Lincoln}. And River, well because Reagan's due date was March 5th., his zodiac sign is a Pisces which represents a pair of fish, and fish live in water. Water is alive and a river is always flowing which represents life. That's why I chose River as his middle name. It wasn't until I had the miscarriage when I began looking into related articles for miscarriage support and came across Ronald Reagan's proclamation of Pregnancy and Infant Loss. On 1988, Ronald Reagan proclaimed the entire month of October to be Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Now, upon learning this my baby Reagan's name has even more meaning. What a great president Ronald Reagan was indeed.
It's been hard the weeks following the loss of our baby. I don't ever want to forget this raw painful feeling of mourning. I sometimes feel guilty when I have a good day, when we laugh and at times begin to enjoy life again for however brief it is ... but just as soon as I stop laughing memories of that night come rushing back and I become sad and wish so much that my baby was still safe inside my womb growing healthy and strong. That was taken from me, and right now I am at a loss on how I should feel about that. Spiritually I'm not as strong as I hoped I would be. An experience like this breaks you, hurts you to the core, has you questioning. I feel sad and sometimes so angry. And I understand these are normal feelings for what I'm going through.
I know what well meaning people have to say and quite honestly I don't care to hear any of it. Just don't ever say that I can always have another because that's the worst thing someone can say to a parent that's lost their child. An even if we can have another, children are not interchangeable.
What Jacob and I don't want is for family and friends to be afraid or uncomfortable to talk about baby Reagan. That's what is the most scary and sad for us now ... for baby Reagan to be forgotten.
Below I am sharing with you {family and friends} some tips on what would help us cope with our loss.
-be a good listener
-suspend all judgments, offer no solutions, and don't talk me {us} out of our feelings. Instead, be a safe receptacle for our grief.
Validate the reality of our loss and our grief:
-say words like baby and died rather than fetus or is no longer viable.
-send sympathy cards or flowers
HONOR OUR BABY. Say him or call him by name, Reagan.
Express your care. Remember baby Reagan as time passes. It's perfectly ok to talk about him.
Trust that I will be writing about baby Reagan from now on. He is part of our family and I believe that this will help me cope with our loss. I don't believe that time heals ... as time goes by we just learn to live with the pain but we never heal. I believe our memories of baby Reagan will always make us sad and I am completely fine by that because this gives me validation that he was real.
They say there is a reason, they say that time will heal, but neither
time nor reason, will change the way I feel. For no one knows the
heartache that lies behind our smiles, no one knows how many
times we have broken down and cried. We want to tell you
something so there wont be any doubt; You're so wonderful
to think of but so hard to be without.
-unknown
And lastly
please, I don't mean to be rude but what we want right now is for our loved ones to just hear us out, be a listening ear but that's all. With time we will slowly be open to hear anything that you think might help us but for right now we need time to just be. So please no advice, nothing telling us what's best.
Thank you. We love you. We love God but coping with our loss, the way we mourn will be done in our terms, however long that takes.
How heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. I loved reading how you chose Reagan River's name - so sweet. Praying you feel loved and comforted.
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