It took me years to discover peace within. Before, every little thing used to bother me. I was a grumpy girl but I am so thankful for going through the worst time of my life because that has changed my views in what's important in life.
I would even say that this season, this time right now, is the best time I've had for a prolonged period of time. Sure, I've had great times before but staying happy or content never lasted. Now, I am happy or content about 95% of the time.
I am very appreciative of:
the life I have.
Of how things have worked out in my life.
Of how far I've come.
The children God gave me.
And the wonderful guy I married.
..
Currently:
I am still very appreciate of the same things I wrote above. God continues to bless us and I am extremely thankful and grateful and at the same time striving to remain humble through it all. Some of these blessings have been totally unexpected.
I believe that the area where I've seen change the most in myself has been in letting go of perfectionism and learn to go with the flow as long as things continue to be honorable to God. I also deal with the unexpected a lot better that sometimes I surprise myself. I rarely raise my voice anymore. I've learned to pick and choose on things I should get after Riley unlike before, everything my young child used to do stressed me out. This has given me the gift of enjoying my child a lot more plus Riley tends to be sweeter and way less difficult when I remain calm and the atmosphere at home is peaceful.
Still, there are those moments when things get difficult and they test me on how I will react. Most of the time I react in a calm manner because most of the time that calmness comes naturally, I don't really have to "try" to be calm I just am even when things are hectic around me but there are those few times where my patience runs thin and I stress myself out and catch myself being short tempered with those I love the most. When this happens I begin praying and reach for my current read which is usually a self help book or devotional and that tends to ease my way of thinking bringing me back to my peaceful ways.
For example: Riley and I where at the library. Before we get out of the car I always remind him that he needs to be quiet, he cannot run and that he has to stay close by. I was looking for books to get him. He was pretending to use the computer where one can look up books. A lady came up to Riley and asked if she could use it. Riley said something but I couldn't hear him but he didn't move. The lady left to use a different computer. I called Riley and he came to me. I asked him why he didn't move out of the way so the lady could use the computer and he said, "because I was using it". So, I told him that if someone asks to use the computer he needs to let them use it. I had him stay by my side after that. He didn't like that and he began to be loud saying he wanted to use the computer. I told him to lower his voice and he wouldn't. So I decided to leave the books that I had gotten, grabbed his hand and began walking away. He started to drag his feet which he's never done before so that was a little shocking. As he dragged his feet he continued to be loud so I decided to pick him up and carry him out while telling him that his behavior was not right and he needed to listen to me. He was crying by this point but not loud. I saw several moms looking at me. Probably wondering why I was so calm with a crying child in my arms. Once outside I put him down. As we walked to the car Riley told me I was mean for leaving the library and not getting books. I told him that if he were nice we would have stayed and that when he doesn't do what I say then yes, it's going to seem that I am mean. By the time I drove out of the parking lot he had stopped crying and we were talking about where we were going next.
If Sydna or Nathan would have misbehaved like this when they were little I would have totally gotten mad and probably would have raised my voice once I got in the car. I didn't do either thing during Riley's incident. I sat in the car and reflected on what had just happened and I was most proud of myself for not losing my cool. Having had handled it as a woman after God's own heart. That right there told me that I am growing in my faith ... and still very much a work in progress.
When we got home he had to be in time out for ten minutes. Guess what happened. He ended up falling asleep.
There are certain things that I don't let slide especially when it comes to how my child{ren} should behave. We haven't been to the library since, it's going on two weeks. But you bet I'll be reminding him again on how he should act inside the library whenever we go back.
